Irony of
ironies. The United States has allocated $320 million to
search for signs of life on Mars and Martians are already
here on Earth. Yes, Martians! They've been here since the
mid 80's and they've taken over almost the entire customer
service industry.
How do I know? For one thing, I've conducted exhaustive
research and for another I hear voices in my head, which can
be an excellent source of information once you sort out
who's who.
I do not believe that Martians have it out for us, but I do
believe their physical makeup and cognitive abilities are
simply not suited to our planet or to the tasks required to
provide adequate customer service.
Now if you promise to reserve judgment to the end, I promise
to make believers out of all of you by citing several
deficiencies in the physical makeup of Martians which
correspond directly to specific examples of horrible
customer service we've all experienced. And no snickering
under your breath, I'm providing valuable information for
free. It's not as if I'm charging you $320 million to
uncover the deep mystical properties of Martian topsoil.
Here we are spending tens of millions of dollars each year
on door mats and dust busters to get rid of dirt and NASA's
spending hundreds of millions to get it. That's the
government for you. Anyway, back to my theory which will
substantiate beyond a shadow of a doubt that Martians have
taken over the customer service industry.
1. Martians have remarkably poor eyesight and hearing. Ever
walk into a store and not have a single employee acknowledge
your presence even though you heard the little bell ring
above the door as you entered? When an employee is on the
phone in front of you but fails to make eye contact to let
you know that they know you are there, do you ever pinch
yourself to confirm that you are an actual physical entity
and not a wraith from the spirit world in search of a
curtain rod? Don't worry; you're completely human. The
employees? Martians.
While they see each and hear each other just fine, witness
the jolly, jabbering conversations they have while you stand
unnoticed before them, Martians cannot differentiate between
animate or inanimate earthly objects.
2. Martians can't distinguish human voices on the telephone.
Ever had a real conversation when calling the phone company,
a department store, a consumer product company or government
office? If your answer is yes, consider yourself lucky. You
reached a human being. If you ever hear the automated words,
"Your call is important to us," that's a company run by
Martians. Hang up and don't try again!
3. Earthly foods create confusion in Martians. Ever been to
a restaurant where the waiter takes your order, taking great
pains to go around the table one by one? Later someone else
comes out with your food and proceeds to ask each person at
the table who had what until all the food is cold and the
once witty and bubbling dinner conversation is replaced with
sullen requests to reheat dishes and whispered accusations
as to whose idea it was to come to this restaurant anyway?
Humans can both take dinner orders and hand out food,
distributing the right dish to the right person. Martians
experience disorientation when handling food. Scientists
have not pinpointed the exact cause but theorize it may have
something to do with the uncanny resemblance between the
head of their planet and calamari.
4. Martians can't comprehend mathematics. Ever hand a twenty
dollar bill to a person operating a cash register to pay for
an item that costs $10.53 and then admittedly at the 11th
hour, hand that person another dollar bill so you could
receive a ten dollar bill and .47 cents in change? If that
"person" begins to mop its brow, mutter profanities and
glare at you as if you were one who recommended they invest
in Twyla Tharp's Bob Dylan musical, rest assured that
"person" hails from the red planet.
5. Martians have no conception of time as we know it. Ever
said this to a friend who has invited you over for dinner?
"Thank you for your thoughtful invitation! I will be there
sometime between the hours of 5:30 p.m. and 1:30 am. Please
confirm that you will be home and the meal will be hot
during that time." Of course you've never said that! If
you're human. Now, have you ever ordered phone or cable
service and the representative informs you that someone will
be at your house between the hours of 9:00 am and 2:30 in
the afternoon? Got to be Martians, right? No conception of
time whatsoever, let alone human courtesy.
Need further proof? Do they ask you to wait at home for six
hours when they shut off your service for failing to pay the
bill? No way. Why? Humans handle that side of the operation.
6. Through a chemical reaction in the body, Martians convert
oxygen into ether creating a somnolent physical state
(commonly referred to as the "Where in God's Name Did They
Go?" syndrome) in which all mental and physical response
rates are slowed dramatically. The cashier asks a colleague
for a price check on a sweater. The colleague disappears
only to return 15 minutes later with the price for a pair of
culottes.
You make the universal "Bring me the check" pantomime to
your waitress. She smiles, nods affirmatively and then
disappears for so long you have to file an Amber Alert.
Studies indicate that for every minute it takes a human to
complete a task, it takes a Martian 17 minutes, with the
exception of the South where it takes a Martian 34 minutes.
That's it. I rest my case that it is the Martian who has
made a shambles of our once proud and heralded customer
service industry. I'm also hearing rumblings that they've
infiltrated Congress. You may now snicker at will...
John Hartnett is the owner of Early Bird Publishing, a
manufacturer of humorous greeting cards. He can be reached
at: johnhartnett@earlybirdpublishing.com
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